Okay, overly-dramatic title probs but I HAVE been cutting my own hair for basically the last 5 years.
Why? Partly the fact that I find snipping my ends quite soothing (it’s an excellent procrastination activity if you’re revising!), partly because I’m never 100% happy after a haircut and always end up trying to adjust it myself, but MAINLY because I’m ridiculous and neurotic and just find the whole experience so awkward!
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m reduced to a hyperventilating rocking-in-the-corner mess every time I step into a salon – but I was talking to my pals about funny salon stories and today I’m writing a little silly compilation of my favourite hairdresser awks.
Some of them are probably Zoe Dubs specials (ie unique to mentalists like me) but some of them I know YOU KNOW. Now let’s proceed and confirm just how mental I am shall we?
Should I wash my hair? It’s pretty lank and smells a bit like last night’s Dominoes. But then again… I’m going to get my hair washed anyway.
Is now really the best time to get my hair cut? What if I don’t like it? I’m going out-out the night after…. I could have a full-on hair horror documented and immortalised via Facebook photos.
Note to self, pick up a ‘cool’ hat from Topshop today just in case of emergencies. On second thoughts, can I really pull off a bowler hat? God, I hope this haircut goes well.
Hello hairdresser! Why yes, I will sit down – now let’s have that awkward jiggle between me and you where we try and tuck the chair in together at the same time. Bwah.
Would I like a drink? I’m not sure…. will I get charged if I have one? And what do you have? There’s never a clear choice – some salons only have tea, coffee and juice and some salons have wine! (guess which one is my favourite?) I’ll just have a water I guess – that’s bound to be available and most likely is FREE.
Sooo …here’s my Pinterest photo collage of hair-spiration which I created whilst on the bus to work. Yes – we both know all the girls in the photos are awesome hipsters and much prettier than me but I’m going to try and rock it anyway. Oh yeah, and not too short please.
Awh, so you can’t do that style with my hair because I need to have it razored/bleached/cut way shorter than I expected?? Oh alright then, let’s just go with my usual cut then. But not too short!
Oh man, that snip took off a LOT of hair. Is it meant to be that much? There is a huge chunk of my hair on the floor, like some sort of sad animal. What was I thinking? I liked my old hair – I should have just left it.
You said shoulder length. SHOULDER LENGTH!!!!
Let’s just see what happens, it will be different once it’s dry… right?
On the approach to the basin, I’m working out where to sit so that my neck will fit exactly in that little bend without me having to bend 90 degrees at the throat.. These things can be supremely uncomfortable if you don’t get your base position right. I’ll still say I’m fine though – damn this whole British polite thing.
Base position sussed, I’ve just got to complete the formula and leeeean back – what do you mean don’t lean back yet? Oh wait – there’s about three different kinds of towel to be swathed around my shoulders and tucked into my collar. Oh, NOW I can lean back. (please guide my head? I have NO clue where I’m going)
THIS HEAD MASSAGE IS THE BEST THING EVER I WISH IT WOULD LAST FOREVER.
There’s water flowing into my ear but you haven’t noticed. Gah. All I can hear is FOAM, my ear is drowning in foam. Cue me leaning slightly to the side to try and shake it out. No no, i’m still fine thanks..
I said I was comfortable but I.am.lying. To get the sink to fit my neck, I’m having to arch my back and stick my stomach out a bit. Thank god this dressing gown swamps everything.
Ooh, hair wrapped up and we’re done? Follow you? Where are you going? My head is as weighty as a cannon ball – I need you to give me a boost back up!! Annnnnd, you’re gone. I’m now stranded like a turtle on it’s back, trying to do the world’s hardest sit up. FML.
I can’t really see any difference at the moment. The colour looks the same as my existing colour….I’m sure it will look different when it’s dry. Yes, it will all be different when it’s dry.
Oh mannnn, I wish my hairdryer was as good as this one – look at the length of that nozzle! I need to upgrade. I wonder what brand this one is?
I could surprise myself with the big reveal – I could just close my eyes and open them when it’s done? Nahh, I want to see EVERYTHING that the hairdresser is doing. I hope they don’t think I’m staring… maybe I should smile a bit more.
It’s going to cost HOW much? The price list says from £50, FROM! Fine, I wasn’t expecting that much but I’m too polite so I’ll hand over my card without questioning the amount.
I know you’ve shown me the final result from the back in that tiny mirror you’re holding, but I’m going to have to go analyse this in much closer detail in the privacy of my own home. I really like it – I thiiink. It doesn’t look as bouncy as it did in the salon and yup, it’s definitely shorter than I thought it would be. I could have probably done this myself. Probably.
And there we go! A big rambling list of hairdresser hangups and salon stress stories – what have I missed out??
Most importantly, someone tell me that you relate to at leeeast one of these. (AKA please-confirm-I’m-not-completely-mental)
PS If you enjoyed this – please vote for Zoe Dubs to report Beauty from LFW (YES, LONDON FASHION WEEK, eee!) on Yahoo Lifestyle here
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— Face Value Beauty (@FaceValueBlog) August 22, 2014
By Zoe Dubs